The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts
by Padfoot Prongs and Moony
Summary: Various Characters from the Harry Potter Books advertise in the Lonely Hearts section of the Daily Prophet. Funny, I promise![CHP8UP]
1. Chapter One

**_We do not own anything to do with Harry Potter or JK Rowling_**

**_Please read and review!!_**

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THE DAILY PROPHET, LONELY HEARTS 

Welcome readers, to the newest section of The Daily Prophet, its aim is to spread the love throughout our world by you readers sending in advertisements describing your good qualities (if you have any) and what you look for in a partner.

All ads sent in will be published, whether written by humans, ghosts or other creatures, although we do advise against replying to someone not of your species (Aberforth, we do mean you).

Apply today!

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ISSUE ONE 

**This weeks motto:**

"**Fall in love today!**

**You might get hit by the Knight bus tomorrow!"**

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome!

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**_Sirius Black_**

I'm looking for someone who, first and foremost, must be a canine lover and enjoy lots of walkies

-ahem- I mean walks.

They must show reasonable contempt for greasy haired potions teachers (oh, and also, they must definitely not BE greasy haired potions teachers).

Must also enjoy travelling on the back of a Hippogriff, being away from home for months at a time, and it would also be useful if applicants knew how to counteract Permanent Sticking Charms.

Finally I would like to request to all applicants that you do not hold it against me that I am labelled a convicted murderer. This does not mean that at heart I am not a nice guy.

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**_Lord Voldemort _**

I am, as you can see, above the Common people who advertise in this newspaper, because I can offer applicants the title of Lady Voldemort.

However, there are conditions:1. Applicants must be pureblood.2. Have serious aspirations on World Domination (although must be prepared to play second fiddle to me.)3. They must also like snakes, and men who look like them.

Finally, every applicant will receive a pardon in my upcoming Cleansing of the Wizarding Race, as, if you are clever and sensible enough to apply to this advert, you deserve to live (wink wink)

P.S - I am also currently accepting applications for positions in my 'inner circle' as recently I have lost a lot of my death eaters to insanity, death and imprisonment.   
  
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**_Ron Weasley_**

All applicants must be intelligent, female and in my year at Hogwarts.

I also admire thick brown hair (some may call it bushy) on a woman.

I do not mind if you are better than me at everything and let me know it. I must briefly request that NO applicants try to pressure me into joining any House Elf Rights associations.

Any applicants wishing to meet me, must also at once sever any ties they may have with members of the Bulgarian Quidditch team.

Also, they must bear in mind (and not keep telling me) that I do know the 'gar' in Wingardium Leviosa, is 'nice and long'.

Finally, applicants must never say anything derogatory about the Chudley Cannons, whatever your opinions may be on the subject.   
  
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**_Severus Snape_**

First of all I would like to make clear that I am not interested (nor ever will be) in products of cleanliness, such as shampoo. People who are, need not apply.

I feel I must also warn applicants that I do have an extraordinarily large nose, but you know what they say about men with large noses...

Applicants must NOT be canine lovers (dog allergies, very much appreciated) and like most of the Wizarding World, must despise anyone bearing the name 'Potter'.   
  
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**_Percy Weasley_**

Firstly, I wish all applicants to accept that rules are made for a reason, and must therefore not be broken.

Also they must have equal interest and outrage as I do when we discuss the horrific rise in the number of 'leaky bottomed cauldrons' flooding the Wizarding Market.

They must also realise that my job comes first and so does my boss, Bartemius Crouch, a fine upstanding gentleman of whom many lies were written in this newspaper.

I would now like to make clear that, he is not dead, just recovering from a bit of stress and his reliance on me to look after his department was not 'ludicrous' and was perfectly legal.

All applicants will be given a fair opportunity to enchant the ex prefect and Head Boy of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, (ahem) male - or female.

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_**New chapter coming soon!!**_

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	2. Chapter Two

**_We do not own anything to do with Harry Potter or JK Rowling_**

**_Please read and review!!_**

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ISSUE TWO 

**This weeks motto:**

"**Say it with a snitch!" – Quality Quidditch Supplies**

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome!

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**Draco Malfoy ****  
**

I would like to start this advert by stating that I have no objections whatsoever to ladies with faces which have previously been described as 'like a pug'.

Applicants will be interviewed by my father, as I am apparently not capable to do it

myself, in case I choose a certain mudblood...

Anyway, they must be pureblood and willing to support me in my quest to become the worlds best Death Eater, socialising with the other Death Eaters wives is a must.

No need to be able to cook/clean/speak, we have House Elves for that.

Must provide me with one son to carry on my Death Eating work. No need to get on with my mother, she doesn't speak. At all. In at least 5 years she's not said a word, so I'm not holding out much hope.

I will see you on our wedding day when my father has chosen the perfect bride.  
  
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**Peter Pettigrew**

Any applicants must have a love of all rodents and not feel squeamish or nauseous when confronted with a rat, (or a man who looks like a rat).

They must also quickly learn not to be offended if I betray them, possibly to their deaths, or maybe life imprisonment. Its nothing personal, I do it to everyone.

Must also be an extremely powerful witch who can protect me from a certain ex-convict who wants to murder me for reasons unknown – but whatever he says, it is entirely untrue.

Must not have read anything in the newspapers apart from the Lonely Hearts pages for the last 16 years. Talking to no-one would also be good, and if you have been living in a sewer or a cave for the last 16 years:

Call me right now!   
  
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**Ginny Weasley**

I realise I am younger than most of the people advertising in this section of the Daily Prophet, but I would like to take this moment to remind all readers that older women are not always a better catch. Many of them have deep emotional problems, and are only using you as a rebound after their own boyfriend was murdered!

Ahem, anyway...

I do not mind any facial disfigurements such as scars or glasses – in fact I find them quite a turn on...

I would like to reassure applicants that I never again intend to be possessed by a Dark Wizard, through a diary or any other object, and if it should happen again, I trust you will save me –blushes-.

I must finally tell all applicants that my six brothers are very protective of me and anyone who doesn't already have a long standing friendship with one or more of them – preferably Ron – need not apply.   
  
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**Minerva McGonagall**

I would first like to say that age is no object, but 500 is perhaps pushing it.

I enjoy a nice long, snow white beard on a man, especially when accompanied by half-moon glasses.

Mmmmmmmm...

A particular specification would be that applicants have no allergies to cats.  
It would be a bonus if applicants worked in Hogwarts School (this does NOT mean you Flitwick, if I've told you once I've told you a hundred times, I like a man with AUTHORITY!)

I do not mind if you have spent most of your life engaged in a bloody, violent war with an ex-student of Hogwarts School who has declared himself a Dark Lord. It'll be over in a couple more books – I mean - years!

Finally, I love a man with a twinkle in his eye, who when he's described sometimes, sounds like a horny old devil!   
  
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****Gilderoy Lockhart**

I would firstly like to reassure people that just because I am advertising in this paper it does not mean I have a problem finding women. I am adored by millions!

(The problem is they're all married...)

I'm looking for someone who is prepared to accept that my fame and ravishing good looks mean that I will often be away from home fighting evil, writing books, and most importantly, doing book-signings.

Do not be offended if I forget your name and ask you what you are doing in my house, due to a memory charm spell that was cast upon me while I was locked in a one on one battle with the Basilisk of Hogwarts School, I tend to forget things sometimes.

I will have to stop writing now as I have just received word of some evil in Germany which I must hurry to fight, along with my sidekick Harry Potter - he helped a bit whilst I was fighting the ancient snake so I let him come along sometimes.

Another example of how kind I am to those below me, which are most people. Remember, kind readers, I am the best-looking person who will ever advertise in this paper.

Apply now!  
  
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**If you suggest other characters, we'd be happy to write an ad for them as well!**

**P, P, M**


	3. Chapter Three

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**_Thankyou SO much for our TWENTY reviews! We're so flattered! Its really hard not to make a weepy Oscar-style speech when you have TWENTY reviews, so we're going to go now!_**

**_  
_****_We do not own anything to do with Harry Potter or JK Rowling _****_  
_****_Please read and review!!_**   
  
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ISSUE THREE 

**This weeks motto:**

"**Nitwit. Blubber. Oddment. Tweak." – If Albus Dumbledore said it ...**

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome

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**_REMUS LUPIN_**

I have been very depressed and quiet recently, keeping myself to myself, so firstly, I would like someone to cheer me up and TALK to me.

I'm always being ignored these days.

A must have for any applicant is a large supply of chains and other restraining devices - nothing kinky, I assure you. I just have a smallish monthly problem I need your help with. (But if you're into that sort of thing, who am I to refuse a lady?)

I must also warn applicants that due to a recent piece of legislation drafted by 'dear' Professor Umbridge, it is virtually impossible for me to find employment, and I really need some new robes. I've been wearing the same, shabby ones for at least two years now and I don't appear to have any other clothes. So bribes for my body WILL be accepted.

I need an understanding person, to tell all my deepest darkest secrets to, and who won't leave me. I don't have 'flings', because as you know, wolves mate for life - ummm.... er..., I mean... Lupins! Lupins mate for life, and...err...when I said 'mate', I obviously meant...err...marriage!

Us Lupins hate divorces! Heh, heh.....heh...

Anyway... I look forward to reading your applications...   
  
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**_FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY_**

We are looking for a pair of - female - twins, preferably identical, although similar sisters will do.

They must have great senses of humour, and not mind if the joke is on them, as it often will be!

It would also be useful if they would be willing to put themselves forward for various experiments involving new products we want to sell in our shop - Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes.

All in the interest of saving galleons you understand.

(Life insurance may be something you want to consider before we meet)

We can offer the applicant financial security, due to our entrepreneurial status and lifelong jobs in one of our shops!

No former Prefects or Head Girls will be considered. We have reputations to keep up!

Finally, even if you don't want to apply, make sure you check out our new premises on Diagon Alley   
  
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**_PROFESSOR FLITWICK_**

I am a teacher at the most affluent magic school in Europe, Hogwarts, which obviously tells you I am very intelligent.

I teach Charms, and I know I'll be able to Charm you...

I don't mean I need to use magic to Charm women! Of course I don't! I could be the stupidest Muggle in the world and women would still be drawn to me.

Many people describe me as well built; I may not be as tall as other men, but I make up for my lack of height in other areas...

In a woman I am looking for a pretty girl, she doesn't need to be too intelligent; I have enough brains for the both of us.

I am a 'mature' man, but I do have a great deal of money, which I have been accumulating over the years, just in case that piece of information interests any tall, busty blondes...

I am looking for a marriage, as my good friend Albus Dumbledore keeps telling me I need to settle down. But I think he just wants me to stop proposing to Minerva between classes, he'd like a bit of that sex-bomb himself! The sly dog...

Apply now, if you're under 30! An exception would be if you're name was Minerva McGonagall.

Ggggrrrrrrrr!   
  
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**_DUDLEY DURSLEY_**

You will probably think its strange that as a Muggle, I am advertising in a Wizarding newspaper (don't tell my father); the simple reason is that I am looking for a very specific type of woman that I cannot seem to find in my own Muggle, world.

I will describe her here, and if it sounds like you, please, please let me know, I will love you forever, or at least until I get hungry...

She has smooth, brown skin, and when I kiss her, I can savour a gingery taste on my own lips.

She has the perfect body, wide and flat.

She only has one pair of clothes, a triangle skirt, which floats down over her chubby legs and a jacket, accessorised with different coloured Smarties (A/N Chocolate covered in candy).

Her eyes are deep, shiny sultanas and her nose and mouth are rich, coloured icing which cracks, satisfyingly when I bite her face.

When I run my fingers through her hair, it is dyed red and black; liquorice bootlaces, which tumble down over her broad shoulders.

When I hold her, she whispers to me:

'Eat me Dudley Dursley, eat me, you know you want to...'

Who could this perfect, ideal woman be, you ask?

A gingerbread woman. Perfection in Confection.   
  
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_****_WINKY_**

Winky wants – hic - some more – hic - butterbeer!

It's all she wants in the whole – hic - world!

Dobby won't – hic - let poor Winky – hic - have any more – hic - he says Winky'll give herself – hic - permanent – hic - brain damage!

I'm a – hic - house elf! I don't have a – hic - brain!

Winky loves – hic - butterbeer!

Butterbeer!

Butterbeer!

Butterb-!

Editors Note: At this point Winky fell unconscious, so the interview was brought to a close.

I am unsure whether or not butterbeer is a living being – as Winky assures me it is – but I would like to request the owner of 'Butterbeer Ltd' to send us 600 bottles, as Miss Winky has now tied herself, naked, to the railings outside our office and refuses to leave without the stipulated amount of the beverage being left in unmarked bottles outside Gringotts. Now that we have to replace said railings, the Daily Prophet cannot afford to buy these drinks ourselves.

Please have pity on a drunk, naked house elf.   
  
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New Chapter coming soon!   
  
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**I know this annoys people, but its thank you time!**

**Stars-n-moons91: Thanks for being our first EVER reviewer! We hope its funny enough for you now!**

**Caged Eternity: We're writing as quick as we can!**

**LadyKatyUltimateFan: We love Ron's too (bless his cotton socks) Harry's is sort of a, work in progress, he's a bit complicated. Who does he love?!?!**

**Charmergirl07: You're so nice! P.S We really love your story, The Maurauder Love Lives!**

**Princess-Perfect: We think there's only one person for Ron!**

**Desipoplover13: We read your personal profile and WE LOVE YOU!**

**Kay Spring: We've done as many as we could for the moment!**

**He who can't write: hope you liked Winkys! (It's my personal favourite – Kash)**

**Moon Archer: You obviously like Lupin, so we'd like to take this moment to say: We're sorry he's kinky!**

**Loki Mischief Maker: You are so nice too! We are TRYING to keep in character, but its SO difficult!**

**Liseli: Thankyou for the anon reviews suggestion and Trewlaneys is coming up in Chapter Five, not wanting to sound up ourselves – its really good!**

**Heartofthe-Dragonfly: Thank you! Myrtles is also coming up and a lot of it is about her toilet! Hee Hee!**

**Poohdog: Those three are tricky, but we'll try our best to have them in Chap 5 or 6! Patience!**

**Capt. Jack Sparrow Freak: Um...thanks...we think...**

**Iluvmycat132004: Thanks for your suggestions – haven't decided yet!**

**Dragon-Rose-Vine: Hope you liked Lupins, don't kill us!**

**Xayne: Gilderoy was writing for himself! He wants him to apply to his ad! But we love him!**

**Cecillia Orechio: Thank you so much! We'll try to do those characters pretty soon!**

**Hpbookluver: You are our 20th reviewer! WE LOVE YOU! We will WRITE MORE CHAPTERS!**


	4. Chapter Four

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_**62 Reviews? Oh. My. God.**_

_**I think they really like us!**_

**_We do not own anything to do with Harry Potter or JK Rowling_**

**_Please read and review!!_**

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ISSUE FOUR 

**This weeks motto:**

"**House elves shouldn't drink butterbeer" – Winky, we are talking about you.**

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome!

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**CHO CHANG**

Hello –sob- guys.

I need someone to replace –sob- Cedric Diggory –sob- because-

How could I say that –anguished wail- No-one –sob- in the whole –sob- world, could replace Cedric –sob- not even –sob- Harry Potter!

I can't go on!

–Collapses in over dramatic faint on the floor crying hysterically-

Editors Note – At this point, we did remove Miss Chang to a secure ward at St Mungo's.

I would like to take this moment to apologise for the amount of complete nutters advertising in the 'Daily Prophet' this week.

More than usual anyway.

If anyone would like to get in contact with Miss Chang – and I must advise against it – letters need to be addressed, not to our offices, but to the Psychiatric wing at 'St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries', where, I am assured by a licensed healer, Miss Chang will be spending the foreseeable future.

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**HERMIONE GRANGER**

I know, at 16 I am young to be looking for at partner, but its all about preparation and organisation. If I prepare a husband now, he should be satisfactorily ready for marriage when I am 21.

I must start by saying; I will be wearing the trousers –as they say- in our relationship. This means that applicants will not have to worry about the future at all, because I have everything worked out in a colour-coded timetable for the rest of our lives, including when we will have children, retire, die, e.t.c

Applicants must have aspirations for a career in the Ministry like me, because as everyone knows, that is where the 'serious' and 'respectable' jobs are.

Anyway, applicants must be very intelligent, enjoy going to library's, shopping for books, and long quiet nights in – reading. After this we can have intellectual discussions about the books we have just read.

My ideal man would have jet-black hair, and deep, ocean-blue eyes, a muscled exterior, but they must also be in touch with their feminine side – because I don't find jokes funny during 'Nancy Drew Night' – Thursdays.

But I suppose Ron will have to do.

-sigh-

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**JAMES POTTER**

As many of you know, there is only one girl in the world for me; this is my last attempt (this week) to tell her how I feel.

In case she doesn't know who she is (doubtful) here is a description of the love of my life:

She has long, fiery red hair – and a temper to match, beautiful smiling, shiny, green eyes that light up my world whenever she glances my way.

I'd like to say a few things to her, starting with an apology:

'I'd like to apologise for every time I made you cry or stopped you smiling. I am incredibly ashamed for some of the things I did whilst we were at school and I know I don't deserve you; I only want you to give me one more chance. I would never leave you. I will love you till the end of time.'

I would die for you Lily Evans.

To show how much you mean to me I also wrote a little poem.

-ahem-

Your hair is long,

You and me belong.

Your eyes are green,

I used to think you were really mean.

I know you don't hate me,

And you really want to date me.

You know I love you,

And I don't think I'm above you.

Lets get wed,

So I can jump into your bed!

I just undid everything I just said with that poem, didn't I?

Thanks a bloody lot, Sirius.

S--t.

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**LILY EVANS**

Firstly, I would like to describe the kind of guy I would NEVER date.

One of my pet hates is when guys purposefully mess up their hair because they think it looks good – they may have a point, but it still bugs the hell out of me!

I can't stand arrogant men either, who hex and bully people because they think they're better than others are.

-And someone's 'existence', is not an excuse for bullying!

I do, however like handsome guys, who would love me for who I am and not try to change me.

I also like sporty men, so a guy talented at Quidditch would be great because I really want to learn, but I want someone capable to look after me and not let go – so if you've played on a team, that would be perfect.

I like a man who would write poetry for me, and always put me first. Someone who doesn't care if they embarrass themselves during their pursuit of me.

If this sounds like you, I look forward to hearing from you.

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**PEEVES**

I would firstly like to say, that just because I am technically dead, this does not mean I am not capable of a bit of late night lovin'.

There is only one person I want to reply to this add, someone I've had my eye on for a few hundred years now.

He is the only person in the world – well, Hogwarts at least – that I will listen to and will allow to tell me what to do. I respect his opinion, as when he tells me off, I know he is only doing it for my own good.

He is my ideal type, strong, silent and a real bad boy. He doesn't say much, I'll admit, but he doesn't need to. His eyes say it all, and I know he feels the same way.

I am worried however, by the fact that he has a title and I am just a poltergeist.

So I will take this moment to request that he looks beyond the fact that I am a commoner in his eyes, and tell him how I long for the day, when he makes me, Peeves, the Bloody Baroness.

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**New Chapter coming soon!**

**If you suggest other characters, we'd be happy to write an ad for them as well!**

**P, P, M**

**Thank you time is here again – there is so many, because: WE HAVE 62 REVIEWS!! WE LOVE ALL OF YOU!!**

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**Little Tigger: We have an idea, which we may divulge in the next Chapter so you lot can reply. Patience!**

**Rosemary the Rubix Cube: Thank you 'Reviewer 21' – there, now you have a title!**

**Holly Clearwater: There IS something about Fred...**

**Dragon: We think everyone has a soft spot for that PARTICULAR insane mass murderer!**

**Grffgurl88: Thank you! Take some deep breaths!**

**Morgan le Fay: Thankyou for that idea! It never crossed our minds! (but then, not a lot does...)**

**Desipoplover13: Wow! We're 'magnificent marauders'! For that Chapter Four, is devoted to you! (your Dudley idea was a classic, we couldn't NOT use it!)**

**Bobby-Beebop: Deep breaths, in...out...in...out – you get the idea!**

**Angel9220042004: We'll keep going but that list may take a while!**

**Nevweniel: Dumbledore and McGonagall are madly in love!**

**Diana Negumi: I hope people just 'think' you're a mass murderer...he...he...**

**Emzizfabz: Em (Moony) is flattered you love her SO much!**

**XoSilverAndCold: Get in queue to take Sirius for a –ahem- walk...**

**Kendra is cheese: Hope its fast enough! But, we lost Prongs (he's in Spain) and Padfoot and Moony spent most of y'day lost in London!**

**Fruit cake: At a risk of repeating myself, deep breaths!**

**KLLRS: STOP PRESS! YES! WE ARE GOING TO HAVE CHARACTERS RESPONSES TO THE ADS, BUT ONLY WHEN WE'VE DONE ALL THE ADS!**

**Lady Zymergy: Blue guys? Explain.**

**Reina de la noche: You're so nice!**

**Charlotte: HEH! HEH!**

**Never satisfied with a kiwi: Oliver Wood warning – Chap FIVE!**

**Koichis girl: Thank you! The credit for Dudleys idea has to mostly go to desipoplover13 though!**

**Freds girl: We're trying our best to write loads, its summer now though and we're all going to Spain so they'll be a SLIGHT delay, but then loadsa chaps at once!**

**Angel Dumbledore: Thankyou Please!**

**Bamm: Neville is on his clumsy, but somewhat sexy, way.**

**Waffle Avenger: Yes, Lupins contact information is: 33 ITS ONLY A BOOK DRIVE, ITS NOT REAL TOWN, NEAR GET OVER IT CITY.**

**Emily/LMR: We only have ONE more of the Holy Trio to go, we're waiting for inspiration!**

**Kate M: Hermione and Cho DONE Harry on the way!**

**Minnie Lover: PRETTY funny?!?!**

**Sugarmouse: Tell your mum we're sorry for holding you up!**

**Zesuit: they're on their way!**

**Moonlight on the water: we've written that down...somewhere...**

**Jazz: We HATE Fleur Delacour, but we'll do her ad just for you, cos you're a nice reviewer!**

**Banana Princess: McGonagall IS a sex-bomb. Ask Dumbledore...**

**Icey crystal: thank you very much! We love the Weasleys!**

**Maurauder Angel: we'll give them our best (absurdly accurate) shot!**

**ButterbeerJelloShots: Thank you very much. You are a very nice person!**

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**Just to recap: We WILL be doing replies to these ads but only AFTER we've done all the ACTUAL adverts!**

**Keep reviewing you lovely people!**

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**P.S Not wanting to make non-able to get to London people jealous, BUT Padfoot and Moony went to London yesterday (24th July), and we just happened to be near KINGS CROSS TRAIN STATION and got our photos taken by PLATFORM 9 AND ¾! There's a plaque between Platforms 9 and 10! IT'S SO COOL! GO THERE HARRY POTTER FANS! And no, we couldn't get through the bloody barrier!**

**We didn't find the Leaky Cauldron either though –sob- although we did check a few red phone boxes to see if we could get into the Ministry – we're NOT mad! YOU WOULD HAVE DONE IT TOO!**

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	5. Chapter Five

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**_We do not own anything to do with Harry Potter or JK Rowling_**

**_Please read and review!!_**

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ISSUE FIVE 

**This weeks motto:**

"**Quidditch players rule!" – well, they do!**

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome!

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**CRABBE AND GOYLE:**

Editor: Crabbe and Goyle wanted to do this interview together, because they thought they'd have a better chance of stringing a sentence together.

Don't break the doors down ladies...

Crabbe: We...

Goyle: want...

Crabbe: a...

Goyle: Gir...Gir...

Editor: Girl-

Goyle: Gir – l?

Editor: No, listen, girl...fre...ind?

Crabbe: Gir...gir...

Goyle:gir...gir...l?

Editor: GIRLFRIEND!! Jesus Christ! No...stop...I didn't mean it, don't cry! There, there...there, there...are you ready to go on? Ok, try your best lads...

Goyle: Girfrien!

Editor: Well done Goyle! Here have a sweetie! Yes Crabbe you can have one too for going to the toilet by yourself...

Now, why do you want a girlfriend? Entice the reader's boys!

Crabbe: Be...be...

Editor: Because?

Crabbe: [grunt] (editor guesses that means yes)

Goyle: we

Crabbe: lon...lon...?

Goyle: lone...?

Editor: Lonely?

Well, -wipes away tear- I guess...I never realised how...difficult it was for you two to- GOYLE! Come back with those sweeties! Gilderoy Lockhart's coming in next!

–Editor chases Goyle out of interview room-

Crabbe: Crabbe...ha...ha...ha...Crabbe...ha...ha...ha...funny...Crabbe...ha...ha...ha...OW!

After Editor had received a black eye in his foolish attempt to take food from Goyle he returned to the interview room where Crabbe had stapled his tongue to the desk, therefore Editor is being forced to resign after being sued by Crabbes parents for leaving an idiot on his own around everyday objects.

Editor is glad, as he can't take talking to these lunatics anymore and is moving to Alaska.

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**FLEUR DELACOUR:**

I would like to use this column, not only for its ooriginal purposs, but also to

advertee for a teecher of Eenglish.

Zere is one teecher een particular zat I am eenterested een, and I weel take zis

opportunity to say zat I have no problems wiz abnormal appearances, and een fact take pleasure een such things as dragon fang eerings or horse tails of ze air to name a few.

I also weesh to say zat I would prefer eet eef applicants went for more zan just looks, as just because my granmuzzer was a Veela, it doesn't mean zat I 'ave inherited er trousers.

New Editor's Note: We have come to the conclusion that Miss Delacour meant "genes" as opposed to trousers.

I am not wanting reeplies from ze boy oo asked me for ze ball wen I was een 'Ogwarts, but I would eenjoy is bruzzers owlingee address. Neezer would I eenjoy Roger Davees reeplies, I want someone oo can spik ze English, as I keep saying to im!

Feenally, I lovee ze English name Bille...

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MOANING MYRTLE 

I get this paper delivered regularly to my toilet stall, although you may be wondering how I can hold it, I don't, I take pictures of the Bloody Baron in the shower and give them to Peeves in exchange for him holding the paper so I can read it.

Anyway, when I saw that Peeves had advertised in here, I realised that applications of the dead variety were accepted.

So, I am looking for a ghost to share my toilet stall with me as I am fed up of the living people in this school being so insensitive and sometimes downright rude about my -ahem- condition.

Although, an exception to the dead rule would be dear Harry Potter

...mmmmmmmm....

By the way, I have recently heard that Sirius Black has joined the ranks of the dead, so if he is looking for somewhere to live, he is most welcome, I know I'm about 20 years older than him, but there is no substitute for experience and I still look as fresh as the day I died.

I do like toilets, I'm not afraid of admitting that, I spent most of my time when I was alive in here – mainly because of people teasing me about my acne, which was no fault of my own! But I got my own back on her! Heh...heh...heh... that vicar never knew what hit him!

Anyway, if you don't like toilets, and the discussion of flushing techniques, don't bother me!

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PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY 

I am not here to do something so common as advertise like everybody else in this paper, as granddaughter of the celebrated seer Cassandra Trelawney I know exactly who I will end up with. I am simply writing in this newspaper to tell him what I have seen so he will finally realise his love for me.

New Editors Note: Miss Trelawney has brought a crystal ball with her and is now proceeding to 'see' in it...its gonna be a looooooong day...now I know why the other guy quit...

I see...I see a figure...yes...a figure...coming towards me through the mist of the crystal ball...he has a large bouquet of...flowers...he is coming from...from...could this be...he is coming from...the...the potions department? Yes...yes...he strides towards...me...from the dungeons...a bright light...shines over him...illuminating his huge...gigantic...nose...his dark hair...flips over his shoulders...it is slightly greasy...but I see...I see...he will give it a wash...he approaches me...closer...closer...closer...he has handed me the flowers...places a kiss on my cheek...I can wait my love...until the wedding night...the light...I can finally see him...Professor...I breathe deeply...as he sweeps me up into his rather weak arms...he carries me away...the vision has faded...but I know who it was...

Severus, faced with this irrefutable proof, now you must know that the prophecies I have been telling you of the past five years are true! This man here saw the vision through the crystal ball, he knows I am telling you the truth my love! Aren't I?

New Editor: I didn't actually see anythi- [Professor Trelawney puts editor in a headlock] aarrggghhh! Yes! Yes! I saw everything! Severus and Sybill forever!

[Trelawney lets him go and he drops to the floor rather blue in the face]

Owl me Sevvie, baby. Mwah!

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ALBUS DUMBLEDORE 

I would firstly like to tell you all that I am a man with AUTHORITY, and warn a certain Professor at my school – Hogwarts – that I will AUTHORITISE him if he doesn't stop proposing to my darling deputy headmistress Minerva (ahh, it rolls off the tongue perfectly) McGonagall.

I need any applicants to understand that due to prior commitments I will not be around much, wars to fight, ministries to run away from, well, you understand.

But if you need to talk I am ALWAYS in my office, and if we knock anything off my desk it can be easily repaired and look exactly the same the next time you enter my office.

However, if you can't find me in there, I will probably be in the room of requirement...but you may want to knock first.

I also have a tendency to hold back pivotal information from people because I think it's the right thing to do, which usually results in the 'apparent' death of their godfathers, so, sorry in advance.

Finally, my ideal woman will understand this:

Nitwit. Blubber. Oddment. Tweak.

Minerva, my love, I will buy you a dictionary. Meow...

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Thank you time is here!!!

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**Orange penguin: We thought our rating was ok and received no other complaints – as yet. But if you really want us to raise it, email us and we will put it up to a PG-13.**

**XoSilverAndCold: It's a long, long line! We are very glad someone else recognises Cho for the emotional wreck that she is!**

**KaySpring: It's so nice to know our works appreciated!**

**Amanduriel: Oliver Wood is definitely coming up, and we will tell you what happens on the dates/replies e.t.c – after we've finished the ads!**

**Amanda: You'd have to ask J.K.Rowling or see our answer to Waffle Avenger at the end of Chapter Four! Hee Hee!**

**Wwwendy: Hope you liked Crabbe and Goyle!**

**Angel19220042004: Its people like you –sob- that review so –sob- nicely that make us carry on –sob-!**

**Frodolives978: Neville's is done but we're putting it in Chapter Six because Moony tells me she can't be bothered to write it all out cos its too hot to sit at a computer for ages in Spain – which anyone who's been there will understand perfectly!**

**Mrs Ernie Macmillian: Your husbands ad will be coming up shortly – don't know whether that's a good or bad thing for you, but we just want to tell you, we didn't force him to do it!**

**Lady Zymergy: We sort of understand but give us Sirius Black and Remus Lupin any day! (James is Lily's!)**

**PoohDog: more ghosts WILL be placing ads in the near future!**

**Cecilia Orechio: Thank you so much! Lily and James ads were so fun to write! Its nice someone appreciated it!**

**Desipoplover: We will be reviewing your fiction right after this has been posted – been a bit busy lately! The chapters are short because we only do five ads a chapter – if we tried to do more per Chapter they may not be as good so you'll have to bear with us! And YES modern technology DOES have attitude problems, as this computer will tell you! –Or not because he's probably sulking!**

**Reina del noche: Sorry if we got you into trouble! Hee Hee!**

**Loki-Mischief Maker: We did do Ginny's didn't we? –Frantically rechecks Chapters posted! - Yep, we did! Chapter Two, in case you missed it! Again, I love that you love James! I don't know why some people don't like him on this site! He's so cool!**

**Liseli: WOW! We're a fave story! Hope you liked Trelawneys!**

**Little Tigger: Hopefully we will have fun in Spain! I'm going in three days! I get to see my mum again! – Padfoot**

**Droplets of hope: Don't worry; we'll have been in St Mungos with Cho for a while by the time they bring you in!**

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Chapter Six will definitely be here by the 20th August – THAT'S ONLY 19 DAYS!

Keep reviewing! It inspires us to continue – and we really want to get 100 reviews – for reasons unbeknownst to us!

Sorry it's a day late, there was something wrong with the Document manager thing yesterday!

P,P,M


	6. Chapter Six

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**_We do not own anything to do with Harry Potter or JK Rowling_**

**_Please read and review!!_**

**_First of all, we would like to apologise that this has taken so very long to update, we have been very busy with getting A-Level results and going on bike rides that we just haven't got round to updating the next chapter (I haven't even unpacked my suitcase! – Prongs), but, now we are back and are ready to finish off most of the ads, after which we will begin to write replies to them. _**

**_We are also considering creating a homepage which will include this story – and hopefully will give the readers a way to reply as we don't think it is allowed on It will also include a load of other marauder stuff and our frankly scary opinions on Harry Potter (minus Peter of course) as soon as we can work out how to do it!_**

**_Anyway, enjoy this chapter, and as ever, review!_**

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ISSUE SIX 

**This weeks motto:**

"**Wizards should not practice inappropriate charms on goats" – Could someone please read this out to Aberforth.**

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome!

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**RUBEUS HAGRID**

I would firstly like to say that I do like a woman with a bit o' meat on 'er bones, somethin' to hold onto in the small 'ours if yeh know wha' I mean –wink, wink, nudge, nudge –

She mus' enjoy midnigh' walks in the Forbidden Fores' an love all manner of interestin' creatures – which some may describe as dangerous – but they've got it in for the poor littl' things, my Fluffy! And Norbert, I miss 'em so much, I'm just glad Beaky managed to pull 'imself free! The clever lad!

Anyway, I also love a woman wi' a French accent, an' no need to worry, I speak very good French, hem, hem:

'Bong-sewer Madame'

There, ole' Napoleon couldn' do it better!

I feel I mus' warn any applicants that my family can be –well- difficult, lets say, but he's learnin' so quickly now! Can even say my name, course it sounds a bit more like Haggis that Hagrid, but e's getting' there!

Anyway, bout me, I'm not what you migh' call a small man, nor an average man, I probably even go beyon' the description of tall, but, yeh won't ever be scared around me! Unless yeh're Fang o' course he's a big wimp teh be 'onest with ya!

Anway, as career prospects go, mine are a bit limited, bu' I'm appy' with wha' I'm doin' an' where I'm livin', I jus' wan' someone teh share it all wi'...y'know, an mayb some little ones someday...well, maybe little ones is pushin it, larger than usual ones perhaps...

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**ERNIE MACMILLAN**

I would like to make it patent from the outset that I am advertising in this paper, not to GAIN a love interest, but rather to DISCOURAGE one. For some reason I seem to have accumulated rather a lot of followers in the past few days (mainly first years, I have perceived), and they continue to pursue me and giggle and point –

New Editor's Note: I saw no need to point out to Mr Macmillan that when he walked into my office, there was a message magically inscribed on the back of his robes, stating that "I am a pompous windbag". (I must admit that it is quite an impressive charm as Mr Macmillan seems unable to see it.) Would whoever left this message please get in touch with the Daily Prophet a.s.a.p., as I believe our readers would take to him or her instantly.

- I just wanted to collectively inform them that I am very much wed to my institutional studies and career prospects and cannot envisage myself becoming emotionally involved with any persons at this precise moment in time.

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**VERNON DURSLEY**

Editors Note: We were not sure whether this gentleman wanted to place an ad in The Daily Prophet, but after watching his performance in the interview room, I am quite sure this man needs some love:

HOW DARE YOU PRINT THAT GHASTLY ADVERTISEMENT, WHICH YOU ALLEDGE WAS WRITTEN BY MY SON?

Editor: But it-

THERE IS NO WAY MY DUDLEY WROTE THAT, I WILL HAVE YOU SUED FOR SLANDER!

Editor: Muggles can't-

I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANTHING TO DO WITH YOUR LOT; I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR LOT, ITS BAD ENOUGH WE HAVE TO LOOK AFTER THAT...THAT...BOY!

IT IS ABSOLUTELY DISGRACEFUL THE WAY YOU'RE KIND WILL PRINT ANYTHING IN THIS JOKE FOR A NEWSPAPER! – AND NOT EVEN CHECKING IT? MY DUDLEY WAS SERIOUSLY AFFECTED BY SOMETHING FROM YOUR TWISTED WORLD LAST SUMMER! SAID HE HEARD VOICES!

Editor: That was not the fault of The Daily-

TAKING THAT INTO ACCOUNT YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT WE WOULD WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH YOU - FREAKS!

Editor: Sir, I really think you should calm-

ITS DISGUSTING THAT YOU WOULD –BEWITCH- A PERFECTLY INNOCENT NORMAL BOY SO YOU COULD SELL THIS RUBBISH!

Editor: We did no such-

DID I TELL YOU I HAVE AN EXTREMELY GOOD LAWYER?

Editor: We do ... A what?

AND LET ME TELL YOU NOW, NO-ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WOULD ANSWER TO ANY OF THESE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU LET YOUR PEOPLE WRITE IN –

Editor: But your son knew exactly what -

SHUT UP! I TELL YOU, MY SON DID NOT WRITE THAT HE WOULDN'T BE SO –

Editor's Note: At this point, security witches had to be brought in and forcibly remove Mr Dursley from the room, although he could be heard screaming down the corridor:

NO! LEAVE ME ALONE! I WILL COME WHEN I AM FINISHED! YOUR EDITOR ... Well, hello ... NO! I'M MARRIED, I'M BEING BEWITCHED! LET ME GO! I'LL HAVE YOU! I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU LOT! DO YOU THINK I CAN'T TAKE YOU? MY SONS A WRESTLING CHAMPION AND IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY!

OUCH!

PETUNIA!!!

Editors Note: In case any of you are concerned for Mr Dursley's well-being, he was taken to St Mungos as a precaution after his face grew purple we feared he would explode.

He didn't though –sigh-

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**DELORES UMBRIDGE:**

Editor's Note: We don't usually accept advertisements sent in by owl as it is extremely easy to forge them, but the entire office felt that it was highly unfair to the erm ... creatures of this world to deprive them of this particular partner ...

Hem hem ... Well, to start with, any prospective partner must realise from very early on that I intend hem hem my rules to be kept, although a flouncing of others' might be seen as acceptable ... hem hem.

Hem hem ... I must say that I enjoy smooth green skin - so much nicer to ... well, yes ... hem hem ... I wouldn't mind moving into any applicants - habitats ... hem hem ... under stones, very cooling ...hem hem ...

The next clue to my ideal partner ...hem hem... would be that I find large eyes attractive - although some might call them "bug-like" ...hem hem ... . Black happens to be my favourite colour for eyes, although I may accept brown.

Oh, and by the way ... hem hem ... strange though this feature might be to humans ...hem hem ... webbed feet are exceedingly - sexy ...hem hem... and you are more likely to be favoured by myself if you possess them.

Don't forget to visit us ... hem hem ... I mean me at our ... we mean, my ... no ... yes! Oh, sod it! Come and visit THE new premises in Diagon Alley!!

Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes – what lovely boys ...hem hem ...

Clip ... clop ... clip ... clop ... clip ... clop...

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**GRAWP:**

E-e-editors N-n-note: H-hello? ... AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Hagrid: Wheres' e' gone then Grawpy? No-no, put that desk down!

Ello' everyone! After the success of me own interview, I decided the try and find a lady friend for me little brother Grawp.

As the editor has run off and the Ministry wizards are closin' in, I'll ave to make this brief –

Hermione: I don't believe you talked me into this Hagrid!

Hagrid: Calm down Hermione! There, you keep 'im distracted whilst I give the ladies a bi o' information-

Hermione: KEEP HIM DISTRACTED??? HE'S HANGING ME OUT OF A THIRD-FLOOR WINDOW! GET A BLOODY MOVE ON!!!

Hagrid: Yes, er' anyway, as yeh can probably guess, Grawp is a bi' boisterous-

Hermione: BOISTEROUS! IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT?!

Hagrid: But 'e is a lovely young –ahem- man...

Any ladies applyin mus' be willin' to live in the Forbidden Fores' as that's where Grawp likes to-

GRAWPY NO!

Grawp: Hermy! Hermy! Hermy!

Hagrid: Its alrigh' Grawpy looks like she landed on something –huh?- what is a naked house-elf doin' down there?

Grawp: Hagger!

Hagrid: YOU ALRIGHT HERMIONE?

Hermione: &%!!!

Hagrid: What now Grawpy? Ahh, ok, gentlemen, we were just goin to er...

Ministry Official: Rubeus Hagrid, you do know giants are illegal in Great Britain? I'm afraid we'll have to- AAARRGGHHH!

Hagrid: Olympe! That were an amazing piece o' spell-work!

Madame Maxime: Merci, 'Agrid, but we 'ad better go at once!

Editors Note: From my vantage point in the cupboard I was able to see Madame Maxime give Hagrid and Grawp a fireman's lift out the window where she picked up the young girl accompanying them as well - who was trying to console the House elf, although seemed to be making it worse – and disappearing into a huge powder blue carriage, they escaped.

Editor faints.

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What d'you reckon lovely readers?


	7. Chapter Seven

_We do not own anything to do with Harry Potter or JK Rowling_

**Please read and review!!**

**We've finally updated! Sorry it took so very long, but with school/sixth form/college starting again we didn't really have time – if you look in our updated profile though, you should see the excuses for us not updating – they are completely true! Who knew streaker's enjoyed rambles?**

**As you may have noticed, the top of the Chapters have changed, we were looking back at them and Chapter One looked extremely boring! So, to liven it up a bit, and entice people to read on, we've added issue numbers to each, and an extremely short paragraph explaining what its all about, because it did seem a little confusing, the way we immediately began the ads (confused me and I wrote it! – Padfoot) and you will also be able to read a helpful motto/piece of advice every week! – Although that's not a promise that we'll be able to update every week – but we'll try to be a bit more regular! Very sorry, but we get distracted easily!**

**By the way, Moony has a story up under the name of xBlackMoon-y, which is very good, even though she played a trick on me, I won't go into it now –feels strong urge to wreak revenge – Anyway, if you have time go over and have a peep at it! - Padfoot**

**We'll shut up now!**

**Thank you for all the lovely reviews!**

**Enjoy the story!**

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**ISSUE SEVEN**

**This week's motto:**

"**If a cat always lands on its feet, and bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you strapped a piece of buttered bread face up onto a cats back, then dropped it from a great height?" – just something I was wondering! Answers in a review please!**

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome!

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**ARAGOG:**

Editors Note: We received this advert as a fellytone call (Muggle thing); we weren't going to publish it, but then we were threatened with death by spiders if we didn't 'take their order' so we decided for the safety of the Lonely Hearts team - me - to publish it:  
  
Aragog: Hello? Hello? ... Is this McProphets?  
  
Editor: Um ... yeah, this is the Daily Prophet.  
  
Aragog: What did you say? Bad connection. Anyway, I have rather a large order – Bertie! Bring me that menu! Yeah, the one we found on the man we had for dinner last week!  
  
Editor: Gulp ...  
  
Aragog: Right, I'll have four Weasley burgers, a Snape-steak – well done.  
  
With a large Crabbe, and three lobsters, maybe a Goyle? ... hang on ... dear, would you like a Goyle?  
  
Yes? Right, that'll be a Goyle for my wife – could you supersize that please?  
  
Also, a side of Trelawney, with a Grawp-shake.  
  
A potter nuggets, easy on the Harry.  
  
700 Marauder meals for the little ones – with Marauder toys as well, something for them to play with after the meal – you know, the werewolf, dog, stag and that rat? I know its plastic rubbish but it keeps the kids amused.  
  
Anyway, I'd also like 3 siriusly black, char-grilled steaks.  
  
13 Butter beers – _with_ the drunk naked house elf, please.  
  
7 McFleurys, 30 cockroach clusters and some blood flavoured lollipops for desert I think.  
  
Finally, could I have a beefy man – not a lot of neck, and a Petunia for my wife, delivered to the Forbidden Forest in 20 minutes.  
  
That's all.  
  
Editor: Okay ... Would you like fries with that?  
  
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**PIERS POLKISS**  
  
Don't ask _me_ why I'm doing this. The D-Man told me to, which is a bit confusing in itself. When does he ever do homework? 

Anyway, Dudley showed me the second issue of this paper, and if I have to go along with this, I suppose I would _answer_ one...

Dud's cousin once described me as having a face like a rat. We beat him up after that, but it is a feature I'm sure this person would appreciate. I am also small and scrawny, and, from this person's advert, I can imagine that it would be a match made in heaven. Problem is, neither of us would be able to reach the doorbell...

This person said that he - I mean, they wanted someone who would be able to protect ... them. Well, although I'll admit i usually hold our victims' -ahem- enemies' arms behind their backs, I have watched the others, and I'm pretty sure I know how it's done ...

There's another strange thing about Big D - he's just come over to check that I'm really doing this, and asked me to write that he apologises for his dad, and to ask anyone interested in his advert that they are not put off by him, and that his dad is a softie really. (Since when has Mr Dursely come to school? And if Dud says that ... but it's just homework, isn't it? Hey! Dudley! Let go! I haven't fi -"&?

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**ALASTOR 'MAD EYE' MOODY: **

Editor: Er ... Good Morning? Wha-  
  
Moody: Ssshhhh. I'm making sure the room is secure!  
  
Editor: Okay. - Sigh -  
  
_Moody finishes his examination of the room taking care to overturn every piece of furniture, checking for Death Eaters. _  
  
Editor: You're very late ...  
  
Moody: I know, I had to keep doubling back, in case I was being followed. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!  
  
_Editor falls out of chair, but quickly rights himself. _  
  
Editor: Well _- sounding flustered -_ Take a seat -  
  
Moody: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!  
  
Editor: What? I was only trying to shake your hand!  
  
Moody: Aahhh, _- looking sheepish -_ sorry, that happens quite a lot. Anyway, I'm looking for a woman who must not be a dark witch in any way – otherwise I'm afraid I will have to kill her -  
  
Editor: Er ... Mr Moody? Perhaps that's not the best way to go about finding a woman?  
  
Moody: Maybe you're right ... CONSTANT VIGILANCE!  
  
_Editor lets out a frightened squeal before toppling off his chair again._  
  
Editor: What did you do that for?!  
  
_Mr Moody appears not to have noticed as he quickly removes a hammer from his robes and sets about destroying a rather pretty carriage clock on Editors desk._  
  
Editor: What the hell are you doing! That's a gift from my mother!!  
  
Moody: THAT'S NO GIFT! AS YOU'LL SEE, IT'S A CUNNINGLY DISGUISED BASILISK EGG!  
  
_Mr Moody finishes smashing up the clock and pokes through the wreckage with the hammer end, and, looking slightly sheepish, he hands the greatly upset Editor the remains of his one-of-a-kind, 4000-Galleon-worth carriage clock._  
  
_Silence descends upon the interview room. As Editor sits in shock, the silence is suddenly broken by:_  
  
Moody: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!  
  
Editor: I'm getting Arthur!  
_  
He flounces out of the room before returning with slightly balding Mr Weasley._  
  
Mr Weasley: All right! Where are the dustbins?  
  
Moody: Dustbins! I'll give that spy dustbins!  
  
_Mr Moody runs off down the corridor shouting: CONSTANT VIGILANCE! followed closely by Mr Weasley.  
  
Editor returns to remains of carriage clock and weeps quietly._  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The current editor has had to check into St Mungos for a short while after a mild nervous breakdown, so we have employed a temporary new editor, never fear, and business will be going on as usual.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM**

Neville: Um, hello?

_The chair behind the desk turns slowly._

Temporary editor: Morning, Longbottom.

Neville: P-p-p-profess-

Editor: We haven't got all day. Begin.

_Editor fixes Neville with a piercing glare._

Neville: Um, well, I thought I might, you know, advertise for - of course, I know not many people would want to, so I'm not expecting anything, but I still thought ...

_Editor tuts loudly and drums his fingernails on the desk._

Neville, _flustered_: Yes, well, um, I'd like someone, if they would like to spend some time with me ... yeah, someone who's nice and clever and who can help me with my school work, sometimes, you know -

_The door opens, and Hermione enters, with tattered robes, and nursing her arm._

Hermione: That is the LAST time I EVER agree to come along with that stupid son of a -

Editor: Do you really want to finish that statement, Miss Granger?

Hermione: Professor!

_Neville risks a fleeting glance at Hermione, and there follows an uncomfortable silence._

Editor: Is there anything else, Miss Granger? Or are you here to reply to Longbottom's - shall we say - "advert"?

Hermione: NO! I mean, not today ... I think I ... left my bag up here.

_Hermione looks around aimlessly._

Hermione: But while I'm up here, any woman who has Neville for a boyfriend is extremely lucky because he's so nice and generous and sweet and kind and sensitive -

Editor: So why did you turn him down at the Yule Ball, exactly, Miss Granger?

Hermione_, tactfully ignoring him_: So, have you seen my bag?

Editor: Is this it?

_He gingerly holds up a violently pink bag, emblazoned with 'I love Lockhart' with a look of intense disgust on his face._

_Hermione goes red._

Hermione: Yeah, that's it. I mean, I'm looking after it for ... er ...Mrs Weasley! I'd better go, then, and - erm - return it.

_Hermione turns to leaves hurriedly, still blushing._

_Neville and Editor are left alone in the office; Editor reaches into a draw of his desk and lifts out a tangled mass of black metal stained with a purple liquid, which looks as though it used to be a cauldron._

Neville: Gulp

Editor: I think we need to have a little talk Longbottom ...

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**HARRY POTTER**

_Harry walks in nervously, the small smile on his lips quickly changing to one of disgust as he observes the editor, seated behind his desk, currently examining his nose from all angles, Harry's disgust quickly turns to laughter as Editor experiments with a pink ribbon, securing his dark hair in a ponytail._

Harry: Ahem

_Editor jumps pulling ribbons from his hair and sweeping them, along with the mirror into a drawer. With a look of loathing on his face he turns to the interviewee as if nothing had happened:_

Editor: Well, look who it is, should have known you'd have to resort to newspaper ads to get a girl.

Harry: I did read your ad in Issue One, _Professor_, but it looks like no-one else did. What are you doing here anyway?

Editor: Teaching isn't the best-paid job in the world Potter, even your tiny excuse for a brain must realise that, and there is the added feeling of satisfaction when I stop people like you from inflicting their company on the world.

Harry: Really, I thought it was because you were saving up for a nose job?

_Editor shifts uncomfortably on his seat:_

Editor: Get on with it Potter

Harry: Nah, I think I'll come back when there's a competent Editor here, you know, one that knows how to wash his hair.

_Harry walks out of office, hands in his pockets whistling happily._

Editor: Remember that two-foot essay on Polyjuice potions, I still live in hope I will get some work to the standard of a five year old from you!

_Harry says something unintelligible_

Editor: Detention and fifty points from Gryffindor for that disgusting language! And no you cannot come to mine and Sybil's wedding! – I mean ... it doesn't matter anyway, cause we're not having one!

_Editor grips arms of chair tightly as Harry singing 'Here comes the Bride' drifts up the corridor._

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**I hope everyone worked out who the 'temporary editor' was? If you didn't then re-read it till you do! The clues _were _pretty obvious though!**

**Chapter Eight will be coming soon! It's devoted to everyone who reviews! And once again sorry for the lack of updates in the last 3 ½ weeks!**

**Ojk, spattergroit,**

**P.P,M.**


	8. Chapter Eight

_**We do not own anything to do with Harry Potter or JK Rowling**_

_**Please read and review!!**_

* * *

**ISSUE EIGHT**

**This week's motto:**

**"Don't kick a man when he's down; beat him up as much as you can before the authorities arrive."**

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teacher's welcome!

* * *

Editor: Err ... wh-wh-whi-which bu-butt - hehe - butt - hehe - which butt...on ... butt...on I press?

_Editor flops in the special Editor's Chair, exhausted with the effort of stringing four words into an intelligible sentence._

Editor: Two butt...on. Wh-which one?

'NO' - not th-at one.

'OFF' - not th-at one.

'CODE' - Oh. Know that ......... w .......... wurd?

_Editor seems to recognise one of the FOUR buttons, and his tiny mind thinks - well, 'thinks' is too strong a word - that it must be the button to press._

Editor - _pressing the 'CODE' button_: Not wu-workin'. Wha' wrong?

_Editor hits the machine hard._

Editor: Stoopid Muggles.

_Obviuosly he is in his stride now. Not so many pauses between words. Editor rocks the machine so it crashes to the floor._

Editor _sees something_: Oh. Know that ... word ... too. 'PINT'

_Editor presses button and says:_

Editor: BUTTERBEER!

_Miraculously, the clot has succeeded in making the Muggle 'printing press' work, ans it is now belching out thousands of copies of today's Daily Prophet. However, the idiot read 'PINT' instead of 'PRINT', and had his heart set on Butterbeer, and is now rolling on the floor beating his hands against the carpet, and screaming. The sound appears to be echoed from outside ... Yes, there is, in fact, a naked house elf handcuffed to the railings, screaming the same words._

_I, the Quick Quotes Quill, will have to love-and-leave you now, in the not-so-capable hands of the Editor before I become smothered by paper. Good-_

* * *

**ANTONIN DOLOHOV**

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* * *

**AUGUSTUS ROOKWOOD **

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* * *

**RABASTAN LESTRANGE**

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* * *

**RODOLFUS LESTRANGE**

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* * *

**EVAN ROSIER**

D;o,u ofopy/ Fp upi lmpe ejp yjr Rfoypt od. ury?

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O#, grf i mpe/

PM EOYJ YJR VJSPYRT"""

* * *

_The Daily Prophet Office is SAVED! The Editor walks in the door, and sees the printing press lying on its side, emitting floods of paper, and a large man lying down beating the floor with his fists, screeching "Butterbeer! BUTTERBEER!"_

The _real_ Editor: I knew I should never have taken that day off.

_He helps up the incompetent idiot and sits him on the settee before beginning to sort out the room._

_Eventually, when the printing press has been silenced, he sits down in the Editor's Chair to talk reasonably to the 'temp'._

Editor: WHAT IN MERLIN'S BEARD HAPPENED?!!!

_The temporary Editor bursts into fresh tears._

Editor: I have no sympathy with you, Mr Crabbe, considering your son did the same thing three weeks ago.

Mr Crabbe: Have ... n-n-n-no mun-nee.

Editor: No money? What do you mean no money? Okay, okay, I'm sorry, stop crying. Now, tell me what's the matter. Why do you have no money?

Mr Crabbe: S ... s-s-s ...

Editor: Start? Spattergroit? Stupid! Oh, for goodness' sake, it was a _joke_!

Mr Crabbe: Sue.

Editor: Sue? Is that your wife? Tell me about her.

Mr Crabbe - _shaking his head_: Nuh - nuh - sue-d YOU!

Editor: Ah. Yes. I remember. Well, that wasn't my fault, I wasn't the Editor at the time. So, you have no money, and you need a job to pay for your evening classes in bullying, is that right?

Mr Crabbe: _Grunt_

Editor: Yes? Well, I'm afraid that the damage you have caused here will cost around 45 thousand Galleons, so even if I dock it from your pay, you will still have to pay it -

_Editor falls to the floor, apparently unconscious as Mr Crabbe has just delivered a fist to the side of his head._

Mr Crabbe: Hur-hur-hur.

_He shuffles out of the room. Five minutes later, the Editor comes round._

Editor: It's not even safe to take the day off any longer. What'll happen when I've got to supervise the Blind Date, and Sports Pages, and the Horoscopes? It'll be -

_Editor stops. He has just seen his Quick Quotes Quill on the floor, covered by a foot of paper._

_Editor is incapable of speaking. He has just lost his best friend - the thing that writes the stage directions in his paper._

* * *

**Sorry once again for the long updating time! School/life e.t.c got in the way a bit!**

**We realise this isn't our usual format and business will return as usual on the next update, we have lots of ideas for the more obscure characters and a return to Harry Potters ad!**

**We should be updating more regularly now, rain means we can't really go on so many bike rides –sob- but we are working on newer additions to The Daily Prophet Offices, even though the weather is horrible! It's absolutely pissing it down! But there was a very nice rainbow tonight which I had an hour to stare at from my smelly bus this evening cause I were stuck in an HOURS traffic jam on a TEN MINUTE journey! AND it was raining, AND it was a double-decker, which a previous driver had driven under a low bridge –moron- so water was coming through the duct tape at the corner, which those clever bus drivers used to cover the gaping hole! Not that it made a difference cause the rain was running down the INSIDE of the windows anyway :? :!"£$! It case you can't guess, I haven't had a good day! Padfoot .**

**Anyway ... anyone reading this might be interested to know we have a new section up, "The Daily Prophet, Sports Pages" written by Oliver Wood, they should also be updated more regularly and we have a lot more stuff in the works for The Daily Prophet, including brand new publication, 'Hogwarts Weekly!'. But don't worry, we won't be neglecting Lonely Hearts – too much, and we are working on a follow-up 'The Daily Prophet, Blind Date'! It will be a very busy few weeks at the Daily Prophet Offices! But mind you remember to review! ;-)**

**P,P,M**

* * *

**By the way, Moony and Padfoot have both got separate accounts now which they have SOMEHOW found the time to put up some stuff:**

**Moony: xBlackMoon-y**

**Padfoot: Padfoot1987**

**Have a look if anyones interested! But first read our newest P,P,M 'story'!**

**THANKYOU TO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF OUR REVIEWERS!**

**WE LOVE YOU!**


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